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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Well...

there's not much to say right now. We've been adjusting to a new routine and it's been difficult both mentally and financially. I started back at work on Friday night and Alex started daycare on Monday morning. I've cried myself to sleep two mornings in a row about it. I guess my sensitivity to the situation stems a lot from the situation to the boys...whenever any of the kids are gone for extended periods of time, and Nicky and Martin inevitably...the word "abandon" comes to mind, and it gives me such grief.

With the cost of daycare, going back to work I am actually going to have less than I did on maternity leave...how that happens, you tell me. It will be 4 weeks before I have a full cheque because I started back on a payday. They do the 1 week behind pay thing....so my first cheque in 2 weeks will only be for 1 week.

Stress...? Yeh there is TONS of it around here.

Oh, and if I'm being honest here... I need to get this off my chest. My parents (who I'm estranged from) just did something plainly clear that tells me I don't matter to them. On one hand it's so tragically sad, and I'm sorry for the girl I had wanted to be and could have been and on the other hand it just doesn't matter...it's a confirmation of what I've always known.

I hate to be a victim of my past, and I generally never ever let that on, but I would like to be vulnerable for just a moment... I like to keep things to myself...I try to carry the burden of my pain, because it's mine. It's been an uphill struggle but through it all I've tried hard to maintain my integrity and my ethics...so sometimes it may appear I am being difficult, but it's rightfully so... I have nothing in my life if I don't have that respect for myself, even when I feel that I have no place and feel no self worth...I've never compromised my belief in being the honest person I have become. Don't mistake that for naivety. I'm far from that.

5 comments:

Jocelyne said...

Awww Aleks!! *HUG* to you ten fold. I'm sorry you're going thru that with your parents. Coming from a lousy past, I understand the pain. I don't know what you're going thru as it's probably different than mine but I hope you feel better soon.

Boo said...

Aleks, you know I'm thinking of you!!! I don't like seeing you like this. BIG HUGS to you my friend! I wish I was closer to help you. I'm hurt knowing you are sad.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

Scrappytbear said...

Whooa deep :( hope you are feeling a little better now and the little guy is doing ok in day care which would make you feel more at ease :(

Jocie said...

awww Aleks...Im sorry for what you are going through emotionally and finacially :( Keep your chin up and know it will get better

Renee said...

((HUGS))