Today is the day...

The worst day of my life, again. The boys, are heading back to their dads. I couldn't sleep last night, I think I was awake until about 5 am, and I got up at 8 am this morning, as always to give Nicholas his meds. I'm exhausted...but I know by the end of the day I'll be zonked. I'm sure I'll welcome it.

Throughout the day, I get choked up, or burst into tears...but the most difficult part, is as we wait in line to board, the hugs, the kisses...and then watching them disappear behind the glass until they are just, gone.

I have to sit there and wait until their plane is moving, and at that time, I feel so alone, and so empty...and so heartbroken. I feel like I failed myself, and failed them, and I feel so lost. I literally do feel the pain in my heart...like it's a tight squeezing pain...it never gets easier, letting them go.

When their plane is heading towards the runway, I leave the gate and go to the observation booth... I watch the plane navigate its way down the winding paths..and as the plane takes off, I press my head against the glass until the plane is gone from my sight.



That's when it becomes real...they really are gone.

I'll be spending the rest of my day with them, getting all the hugs and kisses that I can get.